Thursday, December 31, 2009

Conversations in 2009

In one of the most memorable conversations I've had this year, Y told me that I am a beautiful girl with lotsa personality and strength, sometimes even more strength than I know. It was one of those rare serious-sincere moments in our friendship that took me by surprise, yet also oddly touched. That comment meant a lot to me because Y is one of the most beautiful persons I know, in an effortlessly pretty-Blake Lively sort of way, with her sunshine disposition and strength in character yet always sincere to everyone. And she has known me for 15 years. ;)

S has also encouraged me more than once in this year to draw upon my strength and resilience in handling some problems and disappointments which cropped up along the way. For myself, I usually do not stop to ponder or evaluate if I have the strength or resilience, but rather, I just try my best to gather myself together and move on, in resolving the problems or coping with the problems and disappointments whilst trying to be there for those who need me.

A feels that my ability to detach emotionally from the situation when a decision needs to be made (after all the initial raving and ranting of course, haha) is something that she could use more of, maybe in reference to her family business or life in general I am not sure; but I assured her that the decisiveness she has witnessed, from my career switch to pursue my Masters to dumping ex-es which I feel are not suitable for me is not without any emotional context, but maybe a reflection of my personality where I am constantly trying to make sense of things around me, even though some situations may not be explained by logic. One thing I have learnt in 2009 though, is to stop the rationalising sometimes and to just accept the situation and try to work around it or find an adequate resolution.

Because the worst thing one can say to me is "MnM, you can't do it." That alone is a gauntlet for me to try my best to achieve it, especially if I think I can do it. Someone once told me that Arts students should not try out subjects such as Technopreneurship, because it is not my cuppa. I tried out and did well in that minor, because I feel that I can. Same thing for the ex who told me that I was too weak and upset by the results of the applications earlier this year to end the relationship: I ended the relationship when the final result of the applications came in and decided to give up my place in a rather prestigious comms school due to lack of funding. (Btw E is still going on at me about it, haha.) Perhaps I was having second thoughts when I did them, whether I could pull them off. But I did pull them off and I am a better person for those decisions.

About the conversations I've had with both my gal and guy pals,J, M, V, C, S and so on, be it about the break up(s) or the guys in my life (or lack of) in general, I think this piece just about sums it up. "Anyone can easily walk away from someone else. Nobody is forced to stay; we all have choices. The real test is if someone would rather stay with you, even though walking away could be so much easier." When it comes to romantic relationships, or even friendships, I think that we always have a choice. I am not above walking away from a diamond ring or promises of ever after if I doubt the veracity of the fluffy but ultimately pointless promises. Despite saying that, I think that 2010 may be an interesting year, though I shall keep mum for now.

B once told me that he seldom posts his personal thoughts except on professional matters on his blog and our blogging styles differ q a bit. Honestly though, I wonder how much about a person can one truly know from their online persona? Given all the impression management, self censorship to some extent that goes on? Anyways, I have the sneaky impression that the music that I post here draw more readers, who wants to read my ruminations to begin with? haha. :)

All in all, for me, 2009 has been a year of memorable conversations with the friends and people in my life. Whatever comes in 2010, I can only say this for myself: In the end, the show must go on.

Music mashup: Top 25 of 2009 by DJ Earworm
(No Jonas Brothers, yea!) ;)

The Black Eyed Peas - BOOM BOOM POW
Lady Gaga - POKER FACE
Lady Gaga Featuring Colby ODonis - JUST DANCE
The Black Eyed Peas - I GOTTA FEELING
Taylor Swift - LOVE STORY
Jason Mraz - IM YOURS
Kanye West - HEARTLESS
The All-American Rejects - GIVES YOU HELL
T.I. Featuring Justin Timberlake - DEAD AND GONE
Kings Of Leon - USE SOMEBODY
Keri Hilson Featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo - KNOCK YOU DOWN
Jamie Foxx Featuring T-Pain - BLAME IT
T.I. Featuring Rihanna - LIVE YOUR LIFE
Soulja Boy Tell em Featuring Sammie - KISS ME THRU THE PHONE
Jay Sean Featuring Lil Wayne - DOWN
Miley Cyrus - THE CLIMB
Beyonce - HALO
Katy Perry - HOT N COLD

Monday, December 14, 2009

Lean on me :: Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

J told me this when he heard about what happened today... to lean on my friends. Honestly too caught up with lotsa stuff lately to really settle down and deal with it.

Am glad that school has come to a close, after the hectic grading for both modules. Maybe I was being overly ambitious to tackle two new modules in one semester, but I guess I wanted to expand my repertoire of modules, or maybe I already had the feeling of what was to come. Been preoccupied with stuff at home but wanted to make sure that I am done with my teaching duties before dealing with what to do next at home.

Breaking down the war I have to deal with into battles might be easier to handle, but it is also draining. Do not really want to talk about it here though close friends know what happened. I guess in their own way they can't really do much as well, except to support me and be there for me. Me being the mule-headed one though, will not want to impose them.

But no matter what, I am really grateful for the opportunities to help teach culture industries and intercultural comm. I was working with a great bunch of colleagues this sem and I got to learn a lot in the process. M mentioned recently that something he wants out of his job is to be able to learn and I share his sentiments. To pick up new knowledge, new skills and to apply them. It was honestly trying to learn and lead at the same time but my lecturers and fellow tutors supported each other through the process and for this I am grateful for. My students were also a blast this sem and I enjoyed seeing the familiar faces while getting acquainted with the new ones.

Post exams were pre wedding prep for LT n K. Have not shared much with LT coz she was already bogged and stressed with her wedding. Was helping out with the wedding almost immediately after I was done with grading so I had v little time to catch up on much needed rest. Am glad that LT's wedding went well, lovely wedding, lovely bride and the sweet couple. Someone in particular made an interesting impression which led to Y teasing me for most of the evening. Realised how small Spore is when I saw someone I did not want to bump into en route to the dinner. C was right to say that Spore is so small, it is inevitable that I see him around at some point.

J asked if the encounter made me feel that I should feel something when I do not have any feelings towards him left. I think it was a case of forgotten memories which should remain forgotten. Honestly I can't remember much, just that there's the jolt of generally negative vibes. Not too sure why I felt the way I did.

Last week was particularly difficult for me as it was bad news after bad news after bad news. I wonder if it was my incompetence or just my luck, or lack of it. But realising that neither thinking will resolve anything, I decided to just focus on dealing with it and finding solutions. Am hoping that the news will not affect my dad's health badly and that he will take it in stride. Am still adjusting to my new role in the family. I don't know how I am going to deal with it, just a day at a time for now I guess. Feeling drained though. Dealing with thesis during the semester was tough as I was meeting with a lot of roadblocks, with one unfeasible idea after another. Am looking forward to my sup returning and us sorting it out.

Not feeling particularly Christmasy this year. Which is sending off warning bells for friends like J, who knows what a Christmas freak I am. From the Christmas lights to setting up the tree to present shopping and Christmas dinner. I've not really checked out Christmas lights though I have watched A Christmas Carol. It's awfully trying to get to cheer everyone up when I'm not feeling particularly cheery myself. I have to do it though as I need to be strong for my family, especially now. Will not be online much, more important offline stuff to deal with for now. To everyone reading, here's an advanced Merry Christmas.

One reason why I was piqued by that particular brother, besides the "interrogation" and his proactiveness during LT's wedding, was that he liked Glee, which I like as well! A song from the show which I feel is q apt for me now, pure serendipity that J mentioned it today.

Lean on me - originally by Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me..