Thursday, June 18, 2009

Crazy busy but happy! :: Retrospective long one today.

It's been crazy busy since I last updated here. Mainly catching up with my thesis writing and redrafting my draft.... was back in school on Mon n Tues after going through tonnes of literature on Youth and New Media. Had a discussion with the sup, the way forward seems clearer but lotsa work ahead! I'm glad that the final-ish topic we have agreed to focus on is something I can look foward to everyday. Been falling asleep on the commute to and fro from sch but at least I have a clearer goal in mind which keeps me going!

No time to post my 1k number of pics on FB, some of them will have to be uploaded at my friends' discretion, in line with the what happens in HK stays in HK promise. And I know that some of your curiosity is piqued by what happened, no worries, updates as and when we meet. :)
Had a great time at the office when I was back on Mon and Tues, with most of us going back to clear some stuff or work on our theses, the mood was considerably lighter than during the semester and there was bantering and chatting and catching up.

Too bad the tummy's acting up these days which means tt I have to watch my diet... coz the rest of my week is taken up by my latest endeavour as well as ktv-ing with the Fab Five later today, A's bday on Fri, dress-hunt on Sat afternoon followed by a movie marathon at V&M on Sat afternoon-night and a Father's Day BBQ on Sunday. And more reading up and thesis work in between, wana keep the rhythmn going once I've started writing again!

*Retrospective post*

And enough is enough is enough peepz. I think I've had it up to here, esp after the comment on my latest note. As well as SMS and calls. This part of the post is retrospective, because I've drafted this post since last Tues but still in two minds about posting it. But after the comment on my note as well as the SMS and calls, and friends I met up over the weekend and those who dropped a line, who were concerned about what happened, I think it's time to set the record straight, from my perspective and I hope that this will be the last word on this from me. Most friends following this blog were unaware of what was going on as most posts did not focus on this and they were more interested in my trip and thesis stuff, but that comment has since left no doubt though most had suspected.

I know that for most of you, I've not elaborated or mentioned much abt something that has been on my mind in the last month. Partly because I was initially shocked, disturbed and furious and I needed time to process the info. But now, I've talked to enough ppl to know that I need to do this for myself. This incident has led me to ponder about friendship and what it entails. It has also led me to ask myself where my limits are and to some extent, after talking to friends and family, some of whom shared their experience as well, I think that the initial anger has given way to disappointment.

The greatest disappointment during the recent breakup wasn't just the breakup (it was bad but what came after was worse), but that I had lost a friend. For me, esp after the breakup last year, I've come to feel that guys who ain't worth it come and go but that friendship remains. I also know that well meaning friends can be meddlesome at times, but I think that these friends also understand me well enough to know my limits. And friends who know me know that I detest ppl who are up to stuff behind my back. Therefore, people who meddle in my affairs behind my back should not be surprised if others know about it too.

I had continuously allowed the insensitive remarks pass, not allowed myself to go along with silly ideas like boycotting a friend until she breaks up w a guy, but I've my limits too. And for me, a good friend doesn't impose her will on others. We do have differences in opinions and can quarrel till the cows come home but we do not impose our wills on each other out of respect to the friendship. I do ask friends for help and advice when I need it, from work to my research to guys, which is why I do not accept others meddling in my affairs behind my back.

When I learnt that a male friend was confronted in a public setting where he was told to "lay off me" because I was supposedly seeing someone, my initial reaction was that of outrage and embarassment. Because I did not know anything about that and certainly did not ask for any help in telling him to back off. In fact, I had mentioned that there was nothing going on between me and him. And this coming from someone who, towards the end of the relationship, after all the meddling and misunderstandings, stated that no sides will be taken. My reply was that it din matter anymore coz it's too late. And things had remained a little awkward but fine after the breakup if this incident did not come to my knowledge. With this incident, I do not see how a friendship can continue if a friend who takes the "neutral" moral high ground and does an unwarranted confrontation behind my back; that incident was against my wishes and was to her other friend's who was the then bf's advantage and doesn't serve me in any way.

Maybe our rationales, values and logic systems are on two opposing latitudes and after previous incidences between us, I think that never the twain shall meet. I know that some expect a catfight or a confrontation between us, but seriously, after my previous experiences, I can't muster the effort to confront someone who just doesn't see my point of view and vice versa. I've been feeling pretty bothered by this and talked to ppl who kinda know us both and I think that we have both changed since graduation and moved on in different directions.

Most importantly, I don't have time to waste on some stuff as there's so much out there that I wana do. Hiccups in life come along the way but friends are supposed to help us through the tough times, not exacerbate it. At least, that is my take on friendship.
Which is why I think that enough is enough peepz. No more bringing to my attention such stuff, I think that we should be free to post whatever and whoever we want on our FB profiles and notes, as long as we are aware and can take on the consequences. As I mentioned to some over our meetups in the past week, I honestly feel that the previous relationship wasn't worth a friendship but the invariable response to that was how was that even a friendship to begin with?

You know I'm no good - Amy Winehouse
Meet you downstairs in the bar and hurt,
Your rolled up sleeves in your skull t-shirt,
You say “what did you do with him today?”,
And sniffed me out like I was Tanqueray,
’Cause you're my fella, my guy,
Hand me your stella and fly,
By the time I'm out the door,
You tear men down like Roger Moore,

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good,

Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy,
He's in a place, but I can't get joy,
Thinking on you in the final throes,
This is when my buzzer goes,
Run out to meet you, chips and pitta,
You say “when we married”,
'cause you're not bitter,
”There'll be none of him no more,”
I cried for you on the kitchen floor,

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good,

Sweet reunion, Jamaica and Spain,
We're like how we were again,
I'm in the tub, you on the seat,
Lick your lips as I soak my feet,
Then you notice likkle carpet burn,
My stomach drops and my guts churn,
You shrug and it's the worst,
Who truly stuck the knife in first

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good,

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble,
Yeah, you know that I'm no good.