Sunday, May 17, 2009

Midnight repose

Every night, at slightly past two, a neighbour pulls up in his cab in the carpark which my window overlooks. He's a middle aged man in his mid 40s, dressed simply in a pair of black pants and shirt, by now unbuttoned and exposing a white singlet. Every night, he gets out of his cab and then proceeds to check both sides of his vehicle to make sure that the cab is parked properly and well within the lot. He then locks up and heads back to his apartment, weariness apparent in his slightly slumped shoulders in his gait. He comes down again at past three to begin a new shift. Somehow under the orange glow of the street lamps, this nightly ritual seems poignant and reminds me of how for most of us, we are just trying to make our way through life in the ways we know how and for some of us, the best way we can.

Been thinking about some stuff and decisions this week. Pondering over some discussions with friends I've met up with lately. J was in town recently. We meet up thrice a year but our conversations pick up naturally from where we left off. Could not meet up earlier this year as the then boyfriend was uncomfortable with me meeting guy friends alone. We talked till the sun came up signaling the start of a new day, and I realised that some stuff cannot be changed, need to consider before making some upcoming decisions and some of the mis-steps tt I've made. J is an experienced guy who's been able to advise me on a lot of issues that I'm facing, which he knows is the most help I will accept from him.

Been thinking about advice from M too. M's a really dear friend, looks out for me as an older brother, cooks up a real storm in the kitchen, I esp love his soups and he's someone that I can relate to who doesn't judge. I refrain from using the word soulmate as it is a very laden word for me. M understands what I'm going through presently and doesn't pass judgement on some of my recent decisions and situations. And it's true that guys' perceptions, esp J and M, are v diff from my gal pals, but one thing in common with all my close friends - they offer unconditional support and love yet keep me grounded when I don't make sense or when the going gets tough. Just that me being, well, me, usually end up keeping to myself more, to try to figure things out for myself first. Everyone's dealing with their own set of problems, why add on to theirs?

Am glad for T's piece of interesting news about the aftermath of her wedding dinner. Interesting development and I'm both flattered and amused. Let's see what happens from here. An interesting diversion now and then is just what I need. :)

Am going retro tonight, one of my favs from the last century.

Return to Innocence - Enigma
.
Ami Chant
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
.
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
.
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
.
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
.
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
.
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

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